tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12546017.post2255899691778986729..comments2023-12-22T10:17:24.280-05:00Comments on Bookpuddle: The Extra Ones: A Saturday PoemCiprianohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00254338542624853230noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12546017.post-27778013638599466542009-06-01T21:31:57.110-04:002009-06-01T21:31:57.110-04:00Guess I just love violence. ;)Guess I just love violence. ;)Melwykhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04885378201188978664noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12546017.post-56319068046432396592009-06-01T17:42:56.705-04:002009-06-01T17:42:56.705-04:00Thank you both for your comments.
HOWEVER, I recei...Thank you both for your comments.<br /><I>HOWEVER</I>, I received some commentary from a reader and it has completely made me re-think my changes, and quite frankly, I am in a funk! The problem is, all of the points raised are relevant... to the point that I am wondering if I should go back to the original version. <br />My reader suggests the following:<br /><br /><B>Pinging Goliath's helmet suggests a more pensive thing on David's part to me. It's a "ping" - not a big crashing sound. So I don't imagine there being a great deal of force behind it. And that is the very point. David - who did not know that he did not need the extra stones - must have been as astonished as everyone else at the scene.<br /><br />Opening it up as you have to him "pinging" the <I>Philistines'</I> helmets places a concrete threat. It is not that they have SEEN what David can DO <I>with GOD'S help</I> so much as place a very real-time threat to them in the form of stones upon them.<br />To move from pinging Goliath's helmet to pinging the Philistines' - for me - does seem to de-emphasize the underlying faith, not in David...but in the Philistines. For here is this miracle in plain sight for scoffers to behold: it is a boy killing a giant <I>with the help of his God</I>. The Philistines would be, if they are observing the Goliath-pings, going <I>Wowser!</I> <br />When David unleashes the pings on the Philistines, it focuses more on the violence. As though it is now in his blood or something. Uncontrolled.<br />The goal of killing one's enemy.<br />Pinging Goliath's helmet makes a statement - but it is more controlled.<br /><br />For me, to hit Goliath's helmet - when he does not NEED to (it would perhaps be a warning to the Philistines to clean up their act or they are next) - would emphasize David's wonder-reflection-musing at a God who would allow him, help him, to conquer an enemy.<br />When he turns and attacks the Philistines, it places a little more emphasis on David himself as an agent of death...I imagine the Philistines running because of David's power more than in abject fear at what God can do through a boy. They are running from God - if David pings Goliath's helmet. And they are running from a boy if he pings theirs.</B>All of this, the above.... umm... it makes me realize the inestimable value of an editor, when it comes to writing.Ciprianohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00254338542624853230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12546017.post-55856262605766502602009-06-01T09:37:16.180-04:002009-06-01T09:37:16.180-04:00I agree, this version has a strong ending. I love ...I agree, this version has a strong ending. I love the feeling of being told the 'hidden story' of what happened after Goliath was downed. Plus it is a great visual image, as Beth says.Melwykhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04885378201188978664noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12546017.post-47907293332576210882009-05-31T08:16:50.878-04:002009-05-31T08:16:50.878-04:00Both are excellent but I do prefer the revised ver...Both are excellent but I do prefer the revised version. I like the visual image of David pelting the extra stones at those fleeing figures rather than at Goliath’s helmet – who had already been downed/conquered.Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14110235078325434919noreply@blogger.com