Just Give Me TIME!

Last night I had a scary dream.
In it, I had been asked to speak at some sort of commencement... some sort of gala. I had been given the honor of speaking because I was some sort of famous guy. I think I was a famous writer, I swear. See, this was the genre of the dream.... part wish-fulfillment / part nightmare!
Let me preface the telling of the dream by saying that I typically do not recall my dreams.
It is as if I forget them as soon as I awaken. I am not much of a night-time dreamer. I do my best dreaming while awake. But this one I did indeed dream at night, and I remembered it, and I have been thinking about it now and then, throughout the day.
I only remember the essential fragments of the thing, and this also is typical of me. I rarely remember a dream in detail.
So I had been asked to speak at this official function, and there would be hundreds, maybe thousands of people present... all decked out. It may have been a graduation cermemony of a university. Let’s say that it was. So that’s what it was, a prestigious university graduation.
I would have to rent a tux and the whole nine yards.
So far so good.
See, I ENJOY public speaking.
Most people hate it.
I recall Jerry Seinfeld talking about this common fear, and quoting some data about it. He said that “public speaking” was the #1 fear of the majority of people. And #2 was “death.”
Seinfeld got a lot of great mileage out of it.
He quipped: “Death is #2? That means that most people, if they have to be at a funeral, would rather be the guy in the casket than the guy giving the eulogy!”
That is not only hilarious, but also probably contains more truth than many people would be willing to admit, or realize.
But as for myself, I actually enjoy public speaking. In a former career (lifetime) I did much of it. I was planning to make it a full-time thing, you could say. I have often been asked to speak at events and formal functions, as well as lecture in certain settings. I love it. I must say, I profoundly enjoy it.
I most enjoy it when I have been assigned a certain topic to cover in a lecture format. From the moment I am made aware of the expectation of an upcoming speech, I am in preparation mode. My mind immediately becomes preoccupied with the assembling of facts, anecdotal stuff, allusions, examples, jokes, antics that will enhance audience attention.... the works. In a word, “I get right into it.”
It is my forte. It is my element!
Truth is, I love being behind a podium, with a sea of listening faces facing me.
I do not have the usual nervous-voiced, tongue-tiedness that accompanies such an adventure for the majority of people (as Seinfeld’s meticulous research was pointing out).
However, having said all of this, let me back up and state the one essential ingredient without which my surety in this realm of public speaking falls to pieces.

TIME.

I need adequate time to prepare.
I am great at appearing to ad-lib (hell yeah!).... but not great at ACTUAL ad-libbing.
When I have had the adequate preparation time, there is no stopping me. I deliberately plan my speeches to sound as though what I am saying is extemporaneous.... but it isn’t. It isn’t extemporaneous at all.
For one thing, I have too much respect for the audience to overly rely upon “getting my stuff as I walk to the podium.” In my opinion, once a good public speaker begins his/her speech, the time for research is OVER. They should only have one thing that is still preoccupying their mind, and that is speaking effectively.
I have spoken in front of enough thousands of people to know that no amount of inspiration (divine or otherwise) is going to help me if I have not done my homework regarding what I have to say. From the very moment I first open my yapper, and the people are listening, I am aware that no “spirit” (Holy or unholy) is going to help me if I do not already know what I am talking about, and have not rehearsed in my mind exactly HOW I want to say it.
So, just give me time. Give me a topic, and some lead time... I’ll be OK.

This is the reason that my dream last night turned into a nightmare.
See, when I had been asked to speak (in the dream), I had originally thought that the invitation was to merely come forward at a certain point in the proceedings and “say a few words”.... almost like a toast. Say something funny and/or Socratic. You know?
Four minutes at the MAX!
Then sit down again.
So... no biggee. I readily accepted, and thought no more of it.
In my dream I am thinking I can easily rifle off a few witticisms, have the crowd in a veritable paroxysm, then as they are gasping for their next breath, I can literally finish them off with a final flourish.... bow ridiculously, exeunt omnes, Bob’s your uncle, I’m the Hero, vive la France, que sera sera, all that jazz, fade to raucous applause, and I’m signing autographs in the foyer after the show.....
But NO! It was not to be.
Here, in my dream, the night before the event, I am at a sort of preliminary soiree, shmoozing, and in fact I am holding a snifter of some sort of wonderful inebriant, the contents of which have me halfway to a state known as socially comatose, and here I am gabbling with some exemplary chap. In fact, he is the chancellor of the university, the very man who asked me to “say a few words” at the following evening’s gala!
“So, are you all ready my boy?”
“Excuse me?” I say to him, sipping more elixir.
“Tomorrow evening. All eyes on you... and all that? We’re all so looking forward to it. I’m sure it will be grand,” he says, looking not at me, but around the room, in that way that seems to suggest the unspoken words better-you-than-me.
Something sobering hits my drunk-radar, bent antenna and all!
I set my drink down and turn to him, hoping I am wrong.... “Yes, I do have a few sentences in mind. What do you suggest? Three – four minutes perhaps?”
He is startled.
Then we both are.
There are no mirrors so I cannot vouch for myself, but the look that I am looking at is what we call “startled” and it says to me:
“Oh goodness no. No, no, no. We would most certainly think moreso that a minimum of thirty or even forty minutes would be appropriate.”
[Not only my external, but internal organs are now turning white..... in a subconscious spasm I kick the cat off the bed..... but the guy in my damn dream keeps talking....]
“There must be some misunderstanding. You are our KEYNOTE speaker.... sometimes we call it PLENARY. All eyes on you, my friend....” he raises his glass to me.
[In my dream I am peeing my tux.....]
“.....All eyes on you....”
[In real life I am peeing the bed.....]
“.....All eyes on you...”
“....All eyes on you.....”

No time to be brilliant no time to be brilliant no time to be brilliantbrilliantbrilliant brill... brillBRILLbrillBRILLBRILLBRILL......

Thank GOD for the alarm clock!