Some Penises of Things.

Please forgive me for totally switching gears here, from talking about C.S. Lewis for several consecutive days to now, today, talking about...... well....
See, I am here at Chapters and it just happens that they are having one of these “meet-the-author” events right now. It is still in progress actually.
This evening it is Ira Basen & Jane Farrow, two of the four compilers (authors) of the updated, new and improved Book of Lists: The Original Compendium of Curious Information. Canadian Edition.
So, mostly because they were causing such a racket, I left off my reading of Anne Lamott and sauntered over and listened for a while.
They were very engaging, these two. They spoke a bit about their research techniques and then they fielded questions from the audience. At one point I picked up a copy of the book from a nearby display, and thumbed through it.
There were sections involving literature and politics and other topics of interest to me, but I chose instead to turn to the ANIMALS chapter and for quite while there I was, engrossed, flipping around.
All of it is interesting stuff, but this one page really umm... grabbed my attention.
It contained the following list:

Average Erect Penis Lengths For 10 Species

1. Humpback whale -> 10 feet (3 m)
2. Elephant -> 5-6 feet (1.5 – 1.8 m)
3. Bull -> 3 feet (1 m)
4. Stallion -> 2.5 feet (76 cm)
5. Rhinoceros -> 2 feet (60 cm)
6. Pig -> 18-20 inches (46-50 cm)
7. Man -> 6 inches (15 cm)
8. Gorilla -> 2 inches (5 cm)
9. Cat -> 3.4 inch (2 cm)
10. Mosquito -> 1/100th inch (0.25 mm)

Note: The Argentine Lake Duck averages 16 inches from head to foot. However, its erect penis size is 17 inches.
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My first eract... I mean, reaction was sort of like, “Seven Beards of Zeus! What is the deal with this humpback dude?”
Like seriously, is that even necessary?
10 feet?
10 FEET?
I’ll tell you one thing. He’s not going to be hiding that by wearing baggy trousers!
No siree!
That is large!
Exactly what sort of gal is this guy dating? What’s her story?

Hopefully no vessel loaded with Viagra upsets on the Atlantic or Pacific! Can you imagine herds of humpbacks eating their way through these shipwrecked crates?
Think of the water displacement!
The next day’s papers would read “Scientists Stymied over Sudden Shift in Shoreline! Overnight, the world’s ocean levels have risen ten feet!”
But shipwreck or no shipwreck, let’s face it, these whales are swimming around and peeing (and whatnot else) through their massive culverts all day long!
And we wonder why the ocean is so salty?

Time and tact do not permit me to go on and discuss my initial impressions of the terrestrial beasts on the list, of which I myself am but a humble member.
However, reading about the elephants has forever altered my innocently-held childhood belief that the flying ears were the biggest thing on Dumbo!

I went back to my corner.
I put the List book down and went back to my own book and coffee. I picked up Anne Lamott again.
By one of those strange twists of coincidence, the name of the Lamott book is Bird by Bird.
So I thought once again of that incredible Argentine Lake Duck, and I wondered, “How does he pull that off?”
[No double entendre doubly intended, I swear it!]

[Still want more?]

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