Wednesday, October 29, 2008

TOO MUCH LARD!

Once again folks. A blog-posting NOT about books. I was sitting there at work -- lunch-time -- reading my Shakespeare [damn, that guy can write…] and eating Cheese-Doodles© .
Cheese-Puffs© .

Whatever they are called.
My fingers were all cheesy and they cheesy-ed up my book, getting it all…. lardy.
It got so bad that I began to wonder….What the hell is IN these things?
Petroleum?
Are they like 99% grease?

What follows, my friends, is a disheartening and yet entirely scientific answer to that question.
I looked over at this one bin we have. Full of paper to be shredded. Thing weighs 1,600 pounds. I looked at the cheese-doodles. Then I looked at this monstrosifically heavy bin of paper. That’s it there at the top of the blog!
So…… I took two of the cheese-doodles…

-- folded them in white paper and set them UNDER that monstrous weight! That colossal skid of paper!
Yeah!
Like right there!

Then I let down the pallet-jack and crushed the Sam-frigging-Hell out of those two cheese-doodles.
Mother Mary and the saints!


Look at the profound amount of lard [or whatever] came out of those things!
And we eat this crap?

No wonder I can’t breathe all that great, after my lunch breaks!
If this sort of scientific data intrigues you, I encourage you to click onto the following link, where I learned that if you fold the paper only twice instead of four times, you can end up with some really neat Cheese-Grease Rorschach Tests!
***********

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

First of all I think you have way too much time on your hands at work and secondly, to eat cheese doodles or not to eat them is a choice. You're just really good at making bad choices.
Bring cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, celery sticks (anything healthy really and non-cheese doodleish) to work instead. You might some day be able to take the stairs at home, instead of the elevator.
Yikes, ther's a thought!!!
C.

May said...

I agree with C.
I wouldn't dare to give you any advice because the choice is yours. An eventual change should originate from you, not from somebody else. In 2008 I have changed quite radically the way I live and am happy with my choice.

C.

Beth said...

Cheesy fingers and books - a problem of mine since childhood.
Your demo may have solved the problem.
Yuck.

(Would post as anonymous but don't want the rep of being a lurker. Although I am...)

Melanie said...

I laughed myself sick over the idea of you squishing cheese doodles under a 1600 lb. pallet. But the results are truly disgusting! I knew there was a reason I hate the smell of Cheezies!

patricia said...

"And we eat this crap?"

No, darling, YOU eat this crap. Me, I dunno, I don't have to do cheese doodle Rorschach tests to discover that that stuff is petroleum grease gunk. But hey, if it makes you happy, and stops you from going postal at work...

Do you even KNOW what a cucumber looks like? ;)

cipriano said...

Thank you all for your unanimous advice.
I should eschew the doodles, probably.
Some encouraging [unblogged] news is that after doing my compression-experiment I threw away the remaining cheese puffs in the bag.
There is hope for me, perhaps.
I will buy some veggies.
With... with... some real fat-laden dip! [<-- Let's be reasonable... I've got to ease into this slowly...]