Sunday, November 04, 2007

The Hamburger Heist

Well, I never thought I'd find myself in this position.
Me - Cold Molasses - a "guest author" on Bookpuddle.
For all the regular readers of this blog, I offer a warning up front...this likely won't be up to Cip's standards, but I'll do my best.
And for all of you who are now thinking "Hey, why does this guy get to guest-write on Bookpuddle?", let me assure you that it is only because I had a such a Cipriano-like moment, that Cip and I felt it appropriate to share it with Bookpuddle-nation©.
So enough with the preamble...on with the story.

As usual, I worked a full day yesterday so I arrived home a little late. On this evening [Friday] I was going out to meet my fellow Ents for a very special Friday night Entmoot - an evening with Irshad Manji at our local Chapters (by the way, given that we were going to see an author speak, this is added justification to have this story on Bookpuddle!).
So I rush into the house, get changed, and rush back out to my car to head downtown. I didn't have a chance to eat while I was at home, so I decide to stop into a McDonald's on the way (note the similarity with Cip's eating habits!).

Now to really understand what happened next, I need you to close your eyes. Oh wait, I guess that won't work since you need to read this. Fine, keep your eyes open...but try to picture a typical McDonald's drive-thru in your mind. Got it? Okay.

So I'm about to enter the drive-thru lane, but there is a car in front of me stopped in the lane. The driver looks like he might be looking for something in his car...I assume he is searching for money or something so he can pay for the grease we are both about to purchase. When I get close to his car, he pulls ahead so I assume he has found whatever he was looking for.

He pulls up to the speaker to place his order. I'm right behind him and I put down my window (okay an admission on my part...I often try to listen in on what other people order - I'm not sure why, but I ever do that?). Anyway, this guys mumbles something that I couldn't hear. But obviously the McDonald's order guy can't hear him either because he has to repeat it much louder.
"I forgot my wallet so I'm going to just drive thru", he says.

Interesting. I guess he didn't find his money after all. Oh well, too bad for him.
He pulls ahead and I move up to the speaker and place my order for a Big Mac combo. I'm told how much I have to pay and that I should move up to the first counter. (Are you picturing the drive-thru in your mind? Remember...there's 2 pay at the first and pick up your food at the second...this is important for the rest of the story.)

I move ahead to the first counter with money in hand and notice that the guy who had been in front of me has stopped in the drive-thru lane again. Again he looks like he is searching for something in his car. spider senses are starting to tingle.
I get to the first counter and pay for my meal. "Move to the next counter", I'm told.

And as I go to do so, the guy in front of me starts to pull ahead again.
Thank goodness because I need to get this food and get to Chapters. Wait...he's stopping again.
In front of the second window. Wait a minute! He's stopping in front of the second window! And he hasn't ordered anything! I heard him...he didn't have his wallet!

And then it hits me. I know what's going on here. He's pulling a fast food heist!
Move over Ocean's 11/12/13...this guy is going for my Big Mac.

Now as a kid I loved The Rockford Files. Remember that show? Anyway, if there's one thing Jim Rockford taught me, it was to get the license plate number of the crook. So I dutifully pull out a pen and piece of paper and write down this guy's license plate number. As I finish the last number, I see him take the McDonald's bag (my McDonald's bag!) from the attendant and take off with my Big Mac.

My mind is now really churning. I pull up to the second window...curious to see if this was all my imagination. But when the guy offers me 2 cheeseburgers, I know I was right about the heist. So I've got to make split-second decision. Do I bother to tell the guy what just happened? I've got the license plate number in my hand and a great story to tell...should I bother?
Well, normally I would have.
But in this case, I really had to get my food and run. And all I could imagine was a long drawn-out discussion with this guy trying to explain what had just happened. And then I'm picturing myself giving this kid in McDonald's the license plate number of the car, and I'm thinking...wait a second...this was a $6 meal...not the Crown Jewels this guy stole. Who's going to do anything with the license plate number? Nobody!!!

So how do I respond to the offer of 2 cheeseburgers? "No I had a Big Mac combo." A look of confusion on the kid's face. And then he turns to the people in the kitchen and says "You gave me the wrong order. I need a Big Mac. Hurry!"

Within 2 minutes, I have my Big Mac combo and am on my way to see Irshad Manji. For the rest of my drive, all I can think about is how many times has this guy pulled off a heist like this that the Hamburglar© himself would be proud of? How badly would one want a Big Mac to do this? And what would he have done if I ordered the Filet-O'-Fish? Ah...questions we will never have the answers to, but fun to think about anyway.

So that's my story. I hope you enjoyed it. My parting advice would be as follows...if you find yourself in a McDonald's drive-thru with a grey Cavalier in front of you with an Ontario license plate number may want to wait until he completely vacates the Drive-Thru lane before you place your order!

This is a great story Cold Molasses. Definitely up to Bookpuddle "standards". The only problem being that now, after reading it, I not only want a Big-Mac [which is a given], but... I sort of feel like STEALING ONE. This guy's got a good racket going there!


Beth said...

I know the guy committed a crime but I must confess, I admire his chutzpah and success. My mind is simply not that devious. Which is probably why I am not behind bars (as in jail, not booze).

Anonymous said...

Cold are quite the raconteur.
You and cip both have a knack for drawing in a reader on a situation other people might just shrug off.
I'm not so sure you want his eating habits though!

"It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer."
Charlotte's Web

Merisi said...

Can't wait to read about how you burglared (burglarized?) your meal! *chuckle*

cipriano said...

Yes, Beth. Criminally speaking, you've gotta admit, the guy's got beef!

Thank you, anonymous, for steering Cold Molasses clear of any sort of thoroughgoing adoption of my notorious Eating Habits.
Truly, my diet would be a health hazard for a SEAGULL, even!

Merisi: I will chronicle all that I get away with!

Merisi said...

I am sure you would, Cip!
You and the security camera. *chuckle*

stefanie said...

Wow, that guy was pretty nervy. Great story well told Cold Molasses!

Cleo said...

I'm torn....I'd like to think maybe the guy was just poor and needed food and I'd just blow it off and let him have my food. I've been broke and hungry before... But then, with the money he wasted paying for gas idling at the drive-through he coulda bought his own dang meal! So I'd probably be rash, risk getting shot, and follow him to the next light and demand my Big Mac back (and not eat it of course-gags remembering the homeless/mall/chinese food theft entry)

Matt said...

The minute you said he didn't have his wallet and that he would drive through, I knew he was up to something shady. That was just a show he put on to trick the counter person. How dare him to have stolen your burger!

I want to know the follow-up of the case okay?