Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Moore's Moving Tips

Love him or hate him, you’ve got to admit, Michael Moore can be quite witty!
Sitting here in the Starbucks section of my favorite Chapters Bookstore, I noticed his newest book, on yonder display.
← Mike’s Election Guide 2008.
I know I am not supposed to do this, and there are signs all over the place forbidding it, but I took the [unpurchased] book to my table and browsed through it. I love the back cover.
There is a flock of ear-tagged sheep and above them hovers the following two statements:

“The Republican brand is in the trash can. If we were dog food, they’d take us off the shelf.” Republican Congressman Tom Davis of Virginia, 2008

Which begs the question: How many Democrats does it take to lose the most winn
able election in history?

That sort of gives you a sense of the tone of the book.
Michael Moore does not want the Republicans to win.
[Who does, right?]
But…. [cue the theme from The Twilight Zone…] they probably WILL win!
How does this even HAPPEN?

OK, so I flip to this one section of the book and it was so good I have to share it here. Mostly because I am a Canadian.
It is found in the question/answer section [p.67] where the question is:
“Mike, if I have to move north of the border after the next presidential election because McCain has won, what do I need to know about Canada and Canadians?”

I love his 8-point answer:

1. Canadians will subtly say the opposite of what they mean, often keeping a straight face. It’s called “irony.” They also apply this in a form of humour (bring a lot of “u’s” with you) known as “satire.”

2. Canadians have very little desire to wreak violence upon you – unless you have a puck they want.

3. You will need to learn the metric system (this should be reason enough to convince you to stay here). And you’ll never truly master it, thus holding up the line at Tim Horton’s every day.

4. You will not need to learn French. The Canadians claim to be a bilingual people, and you will see a lot of signs in English and French, but don’t worry – it’s just for show so that the people in Quebec
don’t split off and join Greenland. In fact, if you do move to Canada, move to Quebec. They’re so pissed at everything, you’ll feel right at home. None of them will speak English to you, so if you’re looking for some peace and quiet, Quebec is your place. Eventually you’ll pick up French and that will allow you to move again (when you’ve had your fill of Canadian politics) to that other country we all want to move to – France!

5. Finish any dental work you’re in the middle of before you leave the U.S. While the Canadian healthcare system is much better than ours (it’s free, it’s for everyone), they don’t cover dental. Enter the country with good teeth and you are guaranteed to live two years longer than if you had stayed in the USA.

6. Get ready to listen to a lot of complaining. Things are so good in Canada, after a while people there tend to take it for granted that 40 million of their people don’t live in poverty – heck, they don’t have 40 million people! The crime rate is low, the schools are decent, and the chocolate is real. But they get bored easily and with no real problems to bitch about, they start making shit up. Like the Irish and the British, they absolutely hate it when one of their own ends up doing better than anyone else. They’ll tear him to shreds. This keeps many afraid of doing well, and that’s why no great inventions since the telephone have come out of Canada.

7. They still drink like a sieve and smoke like a stack. I don’t know why this is. See #6.

8. Learn whatever you can about American government and history before you head there because whatever you think you know about America, they will know more. It’s uncanny and it’s scary. But I guess that’s why they’ve studied up on their next door neighbor.

‘Cause their neighbor is sorta scary.

As a Canadian I totally agree with all eight points!
And I was just going to put this book in my backpack and leave with it...
But then I re-read Point #6.
I’ll put it back on the shelf.
Gotta keep that crime rate down, eh?
I’m representin’!

Just do it!


Anonymous said...

I'm also very glad you put the book back, we don't need that kind of black mark on us.

stefanie said...

That Michael Moore is a hoot.

Say, Why does your Obama pic say Vote February 5th? The election is November 4th. Is this an example of Canadian statire and irony? :)

C. B. James said...

Very good. I'm not a big fan of Mr. Moore, but that was clever.

Maybe I'll see you Nov. 5.

cipriano said...

Hey that is a good point Stefanie. About the date there... I don't know where February 5th came from!