Friday, September 14, 2007

Non-Vomitous Bulimia

I have some sort of eating disorder, I swear to God.
It is sort of like a…. an, umm…. acute form of Bulimia, minus the “vomiting” aspect.
I just eat a lot. Too much, really.
I love food that has fat in it, I’m sorry. [See the centerfold, above!]
I’ve spoken of this before, I know. But I’ve just experienced another overly evident example of the condition, and I guess I’m hoping that disclosure here on Bookpuddle may lead to healing. Or at least, repentance. Or something.

See, after work, I went and bought some beer. Lots of it.
Then, on the way out of the Mall parking lot, there was a Burger-King.
With a Drive-Thru.
So… Thru it I Drove.
Not even really knowing why, just sort of like a zombie. Or no, as though there did not exist an option.
As though driving PAST a Drive-THRU would constitute a form of civil disobedience I simply could not take part in!
The worst part? I wasn’t even starving. Just sort of mildly….. interested!
So then I was gazing at the lovely sign… all lit up, like a dream.
And I told God that I wanted a “BK Double-Stacker© .”
“The combo, sir?” asked God.
“No. Just the burger thing,” I replied.

And I drove forward, and waited at that glorious window.
As I did so, I glanced up at the passenger visor to my right.
Tucked away in there was one of these coupon fliers. From Burger King.
How wonderfully serendipitous!
I don’t even remember putting it there. I probably did it as subliminally and zombie-like as I had just driven through The Golden Gates of Lard© !
So I opened this flier up and… lo and behold if one of the tear-out things doesn’t say that you can get a FREE Double-Stacker if you order a NOT-free one.
Which I just did.
My God!
Always the pessimist, and hence, believing this a bit too good to be true, I quickly searched out the fine print.
When the hell does this thing expire?
→ October 7th.
I’m well within the expiry date [hyperventilating]… I tore the thing along its perforated line just as the girl came to the window with Burger #1.
As I paid for it, I mentioned the coupon, and handed it to her.
[An addict is seldom ashamed of his fixation. Until crisis hits.]
“Am I correct to assume that I can get another one of these deals here?” I asked her.
“Sure, no problem!” she says, and the window goes down as she disappears into the greasy-floored nether regions.
I am left idling, my foot on the brake, envisioning a bunch of high-school kids in the backroom slaughtering that extra cow, and even as I am thinking to myself “Why am I even DOING this?” the window opens again and there she is and she hands me Burger #2 and I drive away.
Wide-eyed. Hands ten and two on the wheel!
Giddy, yet a bit scared!
Was I really going to do this? Eat this stuff?
I mean, my intention had been to simply pick up some beer for the weekend and then come here to Chapters and read a bit of my new book, The Road.
Now, all of a sudden, I was driving around with bags of beef!

And I ate them!
Yes, I did.
I ate it all in the next parking lot I came to! Which was this one, the Chapters one.
Just outside of these doors, [he points] I sat and put a double stack of Double-Stackers into myself!
I had a bit of trouble getting up off the curb afterwards, yes… but I assure you, I did not vomit!
And to make it worse, I came in here [Starbucks] and ordered a Venti Bold coffee and doctored it up with honey and cream…. and read my book and drank that fat-laden pail of coffee.
And now, I am going to go home, and drink a few of those carb-filled beers.
I am out of control!

I mean, this whole escapade begs the question!
What if that coupon thing had offered TWO free burgers?
Would I have then eaten three?
Followed by quietly dying of a coronary?
Is there hope for me? Do I need to see a professional…. Lardologist for this?

For more of the same, yet different, click HERE!
Or, even HERE!


May said...

What an amusing post!
I wished that it would last forever. Perhaps I can try to forget it and then come here at Bookpuddle and read it once more.

As regards your "problem", one could say that food and beverages are surrogates for something that is lacking in your life. I think that you're not getting enough reading. Therefore I encourage people who read this post to send you at least one book each.

cipriano said...

What a great suggestion, May.
Granted that I do not mistake the books for even LARGER burgers, and like.... EAT them!
In which case, I hope to receive a few copies of War & Peace, or maybe Middlemarch.... no, Ulysses!

May said...

Only, try to keep your nice figure intact...

Beth said...

No penance required. You had the coupon. It was destiny - you were meant to eat two burgers.

(A Lardologist???)

Lostcheerio said...


I like "pail of coffee"!

Matt said...

This is a lovely post. I like that guilty and a bit panicky voice.

Maybe next time you have an urge to consume these burgers, head into Chapters or whatever bookstore is nearby, and devour books instead. :)

Treat yourself another vacation to Mexico, or somewhere you'll have to wear less, so you have an incentive to keep the body in shape. Ha!

Sam Houston said...

You are definitely a man's man, Cip...burgers, beer, and a free weekend. That's my dream world. :-)

Tai said...

Hmmm...that's alot of food, not to mention the 'pail of coffee'!

cipriano said...

Wow... look at how many people drop by as soon as I start talking CALORIES!
As soon as I start telling of how I am enjoying plugging my last artery!
Thank you all for reading Bookpuddle.

May, please see my note to Matt, below!

Beth, there IS such a thing as a Lardologist. He [or she] specializes in dealing with people that butter their bacon!

Lostcheerio, it is actually the size of a pail. Had one this very evening.

Matt, I have long since quit worrying about my figure. My shirts have become triple-XXX rated, long ago. Around the same time as my forehead became a FIVEhead!

Sam Houston, thank you for your endorsement of my lifestyle. However, I AM worried. Tonight I burped, and a raccoon's tail came out of my mouth! How the hell did THAT get in there?

Tai: Hai, Tai. Thanks for dropping Bai!

stefanie said...

Oh Cip, how you do make me laugh. But really, one of those burger things fills the recommended fat intake for one person for an entire week! And you ate two in one sitting! I want you to keep writing funny posts, so please, please, please, be nice to your heart. You've got a cat at home who depends on you and readers who care. Maybe you need to read Fast Food Nation and watch Super Size Me as an intervention.

patricia said...

Ugh. I think I gained five pounds from just reading this post.

I'm with Stefanie. Take care of that ticker, Cippy! Lay off the burgers!!

cipriano said...

Stefanie and Patricia... thank you for your well-wishes, regarding my basic lifespan and stuff.
I know, I've gotta really get serious here about driving past all burger joints, not only Burger King!

"What Cip? There are... others that you also go to?"

Oh... I am afraid so.
The prognosis is not at all good.

Bybee said...

This blog entry reminds me of the 1970s novelty song "Junk Food Junkie": "But lately I've been spotted with a Big Mac on my breath/Stumbling into a Colonel Sanders, with a face as white as death/I'm afraid some day they'll find me, just stretched out on the bed/with a handful of Pringles Potato Chips and a Ding-Dong by my head..."

cipriano said...

Oh, that is good, Bybee.
I know not the song, but my clogged arteries seem to be taping along to it!
I ate three hamburgers today. I swear to God.
Surely I will be dead, soon!

Merisi said...

I imagine the day, Demel's giving out coupons for my Little Rose Macaron! :-)))

Seriously, Cippetto, you need to change your ways! You are much too clever for such waste and then you got that cat, drats, Cippetto! *sternlook*