It is sort of like a…. an, umm…. acute form of Bulimia, minus the “vomiting” aspect.
I just eat a lot. Too much, really.
I love food that has fat in it, I’m sorry. [See the centerfold, above!]
I’ve spoken of this before, I know. But I’ve just experienced another overly evident example of the condition, and I guess I’m hoping that disclosure here on Bookpuddle may lead to healing. Or at least, repentance. Or something.
See, after work, I went and bought some beer. Lots of it.
Then, on the way out of the Mall parking lot, there was a Burger-King.
With a Drive-Thru.
So… Thru it I Drove.
Not even really knowing why, just sort of like a zombie. Or no, as though there did not exist an option.
As though driving PAST a Drive-THRU would constitute a form of civil disobedience I simply could not take part in!
The worst part? I wasn’t even starving. Just sort of mildly….. interested!
So then I was gazing at the lovely sign… all lit up, like a dream.
And I told God that I wanted a “BK Double-Stacker© .”
“The combo, sir?” asked God.
“No. Just the burger thing,” I replied.
And I drove forward, and waited at that glorious window.
As I did so, I glanced up at the passenger visor to my right.
Tucked away in there was one of these coupon fliers. From Burger King.
How wonderfully serendipitous!
I don’t even remember putting it there. I probably did it as subliminally and zombie-like as I had just driven through The Golden Gates of Lard© !
So I opened this flier up and… lo and behold if one of the tear-out things doesn’t say that you can get a FREE Double-Stacker if you order a NOT-free one.
Which I just did.
Always the pessimist, and hence, believing this a bit too good to be true, I quickly searched out the fine print.
When the hell does this thing expire?
→ October 7th.
I’m well within the expiry date [hyperventilating]… I tore the thing along its perforated line just as the girl came to the window with Burger #1.
As I paid for it, I mentioned the coupon, and handed it to her.
[An addict is seldom ashamed of his fixation. Until crisis hits.]
“Am I correct to assume that I can get another one of these deals here?” I asked her.
“Sure, no problem!” she says, and the window goes down as she disappears into the greasy-floored nether regions.
I am left idling, my foot on the brake, envisioning a bunch of high-school kids in the backroom slaughtering that extra cow, and even as I am thinking to myself “Why am I even DOING this?” the window opens again and there she is and she hands me Burger #2 and I drive away.
Wide-eyed. Hands ten and two on the wheel!
Giddy, yet a bit scared!
Was I really going to do this? Eat this stuff?
I mean, my intention had been to simply pick up some beer for the weekend and then come here to Chapters and read a bit of my new book, The Road.
Now, all of a sudden, I was driving around with bags of beef!
And I ate them!
Yes, I did.
I ate it all in the next parking lot I came to! Which was this one, the Chapters one.
Just outside of these doors, [he points] I sat and put a double stack of Double-Stackers into myself!
I had a bit of trouble getting up off the curb afterwards, yes… but I assure you, I did not vomit!
And to make it worse, I came in here [Starbucks] and ordered a Venti Bold coffee and doctored it up with honey and cream…. and read my book and drank that fat-laden pail of coffee.
And now, I am going to go home, and drink a few of those carb-filled beers.
I am out of control!
I mean, this whole escapade begs the question!
What if that coupon thing had offered TWO free burgers?
Would I have then eaten three?
Followed by quietly dying of a coronary?
Is there hope for me? Do I need to see a professional…. Lardologist for this?
For more of the same, yet different, click HERE!
Or, even HERE!